My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
