Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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