i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
