Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
my liver is dry heaving
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