Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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