Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
