My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I enjoy the company of your penis
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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