Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
