i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
