He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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