I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
