I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
