he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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