I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
