I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
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Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
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You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize