apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Found the puke drawer
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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