Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
