I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
