did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
