I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
