I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
