There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
