i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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