Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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