I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
