How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
