That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
