I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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