I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
