It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
