I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
