I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
