Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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