I just saw a hot homeless man
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
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I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.