I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
