it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
