Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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