The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
