I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she smelled like a LAN party
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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