Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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