thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Randomize
