Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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