2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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