I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
