I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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