I will die if light touches me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
