hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
God gave him joint rollers for hands
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
