just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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