70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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