I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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