Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
