He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
