I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
