the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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