She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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